Do you ever get that feeling that something just isn’t right with the new man you’re dating?
Maybe you can’t put your finger on it, but something just feels off.
Is it something he said? Is it something he did? Is it something about the way he treats you?
As a love coach working with clients, I’ve observed a number of tell-tale signs that a man is simply not ready for a real relationship.
Today, I’m going to share my top 10 red flags to keep your eyes out for when dating a new man.
Dismissing Your Feelings
In order to have a healthy relationship, you need to have a certain level of respect, validation, and openness with each other.
When you share your feelings with him and he dismisses them or invalidates them, that’s something you want to pay attention to.
This can look like you sharing that you’re uncomfortable with something or having a bad day and instead of supporting you, he tells you that you’re overreacting or being dramatic.
Be anchored into your true and personal power. When you trust that your feelings are valid, that’s going to support you to question when little comments like that come your way.
Your partner doesn’t always need to agree with your opinion, but he does need to respect your feelings.
Turning Concerns Back on You / Lacking Accountability
In a relationship, it’s important that both people own their side of things.
If you try to talk through a situation and he flips the accountability back on you and doesn’t take ownership of his part of the dynamic, that can be a red flag. It’s also a classic characteristic of a narcissistic personality type.
If one person is continually deflecting their part of the dynamic, it shrinks you down. It can make you doubt your own intuition. It can lead to you questioning your own thoughts and feelings.
Stand in that knowledge that you have things you can work on, but so does he. Having personal responsibility is really key for partnership.
Different Treatment in Public Versus Private
Treating you differently in public versus private settings can be a huge red flag.
Maybe he’s so sweet and attentive in private, but in public he acts distant and pretends he doesn’t know you.
Behavior like this can lead to you rethinking your expectations and the reality of your relationship. You should feel like he values and cares about you all the time – not just when you’re alone together.
Talking Badly About Other People / Treating Others Badly
How does he speak about and to the other people in his life? Does he gossip? Speak badly about others? Is he rude to strangers? Constantly complain about coworkers? Exhibit road rage?
It’s critical to notice how he treats other people in his life.
I know it can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking, “This is just how he is with others, but with me it’s different.”
We want to look at this person’s character across the board. If this is how he’s showing up with other people, it will eventually bleed into your relationship.
Remember, at the beginning, it can be very exciting and both partners can be acting on their best behavior to impress the other.
However, if he’s exhibiting this behavior with others, it will show up for you over time as well. It’s important to notice this aspect now.
Claiming That All of His Exes Are Crazy / Blames His Exes For All Breakups
Building on that previous point, notice how he talks about past people in his life – exes, former employers, etc.
If you hear him claiming that all of his former exes were crazy or that all of his former employers were difficult, that could be a red flag.
Remember, he is the common denominator in all of these relationships.
If he’s making big, dramatic statements to blame all of them, he may have trouble taking accountability for his own actions.
In order to have a healthy partnership, that responsibility needs to be there.
Avoids Talking About His Feelings or Going Deeper With Yours
As things progress in a relationship, it’s natural and healthy to build intimacy and dig deeper.
If he’s avoiding those deeper heart-to-heart conversations and doesn’t want to explore further with you, that can be a warning sign.
Now, men do need time to feel comfortable to open up to a woman.
The key thing to keep an eye on here is, as the dynamic develops and things progress, is the emotional intimacy developing as well? Is he sharing his hopes and dreams? Is there any depth there or are things staying surface level?
Lacks Life Direction or is Financially Unstable
Obviously, the road of life isn’t a straight one. We all go through our own unique paths and have some detours along the way.
However, if the man you’re dating doesn’t know where he’s going with his life and doesn’t know when things will come together, that could be a problem.
If he has chronic ongoing life circumstances with no solution, or even a roadmap to find a solution, that’s a red flag.
Good partners need to have the ability to problem solve and take responsibility to make progress in life. This is a sign of healthy masculine energy at work and something you want him to be able to bring into all aspects of his life, including your relationship.
Inconsistent or Spotty Communication
Communication can be a very good indicator of his level of commitment.
Pay attention to how and when he wants to communicate with you. Does he drop in and out of communication? Is all communication truly on his schedule or terms? Or is there room for you to add to the mix?
If he’s unable to communicate with you consistently, it can be a red flag that he isn’t able to hold something in a more sustainable dynamic.
Pressures You Into Having Sex or Pushing Boundaries
Boundaries are in place for a reason. They give us agency in our lives. When those boundaries are respected, we feel safe, which is critical in relationships.
Whether it’s a physical intimacy boundary or something as simple as not wanting to drink, make sure your boundaries are being honored. If someone is not respecting your choices, that’s a huge red flag.
Keeping You a Secret
In the very beginning of dating someone, it can be good practice to keep things a little separate until you’re ready to move forward with that person.
However, after you’re dating a man for a period of time and progressing in your relationship, he should want to let you in to other aspects of his life.
Not wanting to do so can be a warning sign.
So, if he doesn’t want to get off the dating apps or tell his friends about you, it’s cause for concern.
If you’re ready to ditch the red flags and attract an ideal partner, I offer several different coaching programs. Click the link to learn more about how we can work together!